From My Cold Dead Uterus: A Girl & Her IUD, A Love Story

That, dear reader will be the title of my inevitable Lifetime movie. Please for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch it in a snuggie or forever lazy.

Anyway, let’s talk about IUD’s. Yay!!

I got my IUD as a birthday present from the state of Michigan over a year ago. I have a list of things I love more than some people and MiMi (that’s what I call my Mirena) is at the top. I’m not good at remembering things and I abhor having a set schedule so birth control pills are really not the best fit for me. I was on the patch for a while and loved it but realized after leaving the confines of the university clinic, I could not afford good old ortho-evra ($50 copay, bitch please). Long story short, I got to the point with hormonal birth control where I’d find a pill I liked and lose my insurance and not be able to afford it (or not be able to afford it with insurance, fuck you GOP).

I found out about Michigan’s Plan First program after losing my job and finally getting sick of taking the $9 generic crazy pills (Supposedly they’re birth control pills, but I think they only work because they make you so crazy no one would even consider procreating with you). Basically, it’s a medicaid program for women who are poor and don’t want to get pregnant. Now, I’m sure that there are those who will rail against “state supported sterilization” but the last thing I wanted with no income was a baby infecting my uterus. And further, I had already lost my job, at the very least, I should be able to get laid. The program covers all forms of family planning including contraception and lady parts doctor’s visits.

After about two months, my mother in her infinite wisdom, recommended the IUD. After doing some research and checking out other peoples stories here, I made an appointment for my IUD. I have to say that I lucked out tremendously. I’ve heard stories about other women’s doctors denying them IUDs because they haven’t had kids but my doctor (actually a physician’s assistant) was extremely knowledgeable, caring and nonjudgemental. Mind you that this was the first time I saw her and only because I couldn’t get into Planned Parenthood.

Did it hurt? Fuck yes. I have a pretty high threshold for pain and I’d say it’s about a 5,6 on a 10 scale. That said, if you do what I meant to do, and take about 600-800mg of Motrin before insertion it won’t be terribly bad. The day of mine, I drove myself home curled up in bed with a heating pad and stayed there watching judge shows all day. The trade off is that I went from having to take about 1800mg of Motrin per period to none. Now my cramps only call for a heating pad. I do get cramps if I don’t eat for an extended period of time, but that’s actually kind of helpful since I sometimes forget that I need to do that every once in awhile. All told, aside from not having to worry about birth control for 4 more years, the biggest benefit is that I feel like myself for the first time in I don’t know how long. The birth control mood swing roller coaster was not a fun place for a quidnunc to be and will probably be the Mother Dearest segment of the movie.

[The Hairpin]

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